Satire: Horrors Of An Indian Speech Writer

August 31, 2010
Being Cynical

I am a script writer and I am not feeling good about this. I feel sorry for the day and at the same time curse all those idiots who gave me the belief that I am a script writer of highest degree, possessing an extra ordinary talent. I must look beyond writing just the scripts for our village Nautanki, they advised. Jolted by a sudden bout of self-confidence this poor fellow left for Delhi in search of a greener pasture. I rue the day when I put my foot on that state transport bus.

If this was not enough I smashed my foot again on the axe when I agreed to write speeches for a local corporator of south Delhi. I certainly had some talent in writing Speeches, I must say, as today I write speeches for the who's who of the political fraternity. From the Prime Minister to Suresh Kalmadi, all regurgitate my lines before the public. Mamta Didi and Mananiya Behnji included. Do you remember- 'val hoptons var hopen' and that famous 'Mautka Saudagar' nonsense of Sonia Gandhi? Both are my creations. Let me pat my back a little. But to admit honestly - my life is filled with horrors to say the least. The chaps who fight terrorists at the border are better off than me as they have lesser problems to handle. Anyway, the guys for whom I write Speeches are no less than any terrorist though.

Last week I was called on by Sheela Dixitji to write a thoughtful speech for her. It should be such that the people would be mesmerised and forget the loot that we accomplished in the name of CWG, she demanded. Don't forget, after this Speech people should genuinely start believing that we did a good job as organizers and they will have the best Commonwealth games ever. She added this with her polished, Miranda House accent. I nodded my head and so did Suresh Kalmadi sitting beside her.

Should I start with Bhaion aur Behno? Nonsense - This is not an election rally. I would be addressing a whole bunch of educated chaps wearing all those designer suits and thigh exposing skirts. Not the bhuka nangas of the street whom we fool with the Bhaion aur Behno line in every election. Ladies and Gentlemen would be better. Would it be fine if just after these greetings I start rubbishing all the money gulping allegations against the organizing committee? Goodness gracious - do you carry a brain? I admit our citizens suffer from a short term memory loss, but certainly not this short. By rubbishing the allegations you will only air the already half mellowed down fire. Didn't I say we are going to talk only the good things? Do you understand my polished English or not? I nodded my head and so did Suresh Kalmadi again. God only knows why Mayawati referred your name to me. I don't understand why, she said, it is your script that let the people of UP cry with love and affection for her when she inaugurated her 512th statue.

The first line after the greetings should be a huge promise of successful Games. If the promise turns out false later, we would handle it then by blaming it entirely on the daily wage labourers employed for CWG constructions. I didn't nod my head this time but, Suresh Kalmadi, at this point seemed visibly happy and nodded his head with double speed. Don't forget to use the word world class in every line. The best of the lot is - world class facilities. I am sure the chaps don't know what a world class facility looks like. Let them have this satisfaction and perception that whatever we have come up with after our loot is world class. We are here to save ourselves and fool the nation once again; not to educated few idiots. I am not sure where, but at some point assuring the audience that every single penny allocated for CWG has gone down the right lane. I think the second last line of the Speech would be perfect for this. Be sure that the whole script should be full with punches. I don't mind if few of them are delivered at the opposition or whoever is unearthing our loot.

Patriotic, patriotism and national pride are few words which you should use with leisure. Blame all those scoundrels who are against our loot as unpatriotic and anti-nationals. Don't go too far though. Don't term their act as treason; just stop a notch below. Warna Leneki Dene Padjayenge. Trust me even this piece of Hindi sounded like a line in English with all her polished ascent. Well we are almost done as I don't think I have to tell you our standard last line of any Speech. It is pretty much reserved and a mandate. I nodded again, but for the first time in denial. Ok fine, for your benefit let me tell you this. End the script with the sentence - Under the able leadership of Mataji and Rahul Gandhi I am sure we will have a game that would stand as an example for the rest of the world. Mataji? Sheelaji looked at the wall with pictures of her high command and smiled at me with some satisfaction. Oh yes, how in earth one can forget to add Mataji's name in any congress man's Speech. I would certainly have her name to end with. Suresh Kalmadi nodded again.

There was some short of discussion went around to decide, if I should write another piece for Suresh Kalmadi who is again supposed to address the same meeting. Finally they decided to go ahead with one script only - Sheelaji reading from top to bottom and Kalmadi from bottom to top. I was handed with my advance pay cheque and shown the door to move my butt and get onto the work assigned.

Gee! I am getting late for my Marathi classes. Keep this secret - I am assigned with the task of writing fiery speeches for Raj Thackeray also. But his only demand is that all should be in Marathi and not to mention I should know how to, both write and read the language. Marathi Manoos you know. So catch you later.

Fun is the next essential ingredient after Oxygen for this author. This chap is writing humor for quite some time without realizing that no one is reading. An IT coolie by profession he took to writing as he found Mayawati is not doing enough to balance out the daily dose of Humor needed by the human race. He could be found in all suspicious looking cyber spaces - From Orkut to Facebook, From Linkedin to Desibaba. The author can be reached via his Email which he invariably checks every 5 minutes (as he has nothing better to do). So if you are deprived of a big useless mail for sometime then just drop a test mail to this chap. You won't be disappointed. If you want a reply in double quick time then don't forget to add 'HOT PARTY GIRLS' or something like that somewhere in the subject line. Though he titled his blog as 'Being Cynical', regular readers feel, it should have been 'Occasionally Cynical, Mostly Mental'. P.S :- Befriending this human being is at the sole responsibility of the individual. It could bring unimaginable mental agony.
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