SATIRE

How To Sleep During Office Hours

August 26, 2010
Being Cynical

How should one sleep during office hours? I asked this to everyone whom I was aware of stealing a decent nap during those unholy eight hours. See, it is nothing like Newton's laws of motion that I can read out the theorem and boom!! - you are ready to sleep peacefully at your desk without annoying anyone, said one friend. It is all about eventuality, opportunity and intuition that masters you in this art and still you don't have to raise the blood pressure of your perpetual sorry looking boss to fatal proportions, he added. This is not the answer I was looking for. I kept on asking one after another in my quest for some foolproof, boss proof and most important pink slip proof trick. But all the time I encountered answers which made me more confused than I was to begin with.

Far from being satisfied with these abstract answers, I twitted the same question to see, if I can get some help from cyberspace. I was expecting trillions of answers as there are millions of entities around the globe who are professional enough in this trick to sleep a major part of their work time and still run away with the employee of the year award at the end of the quarter. My expectations were short lived as I encountered the same set of 'eventuality,opportunity and intuition' nonsense in most of the replies. For God's sake - I want to know how to sleep at my desk not how to grope a girl in a crowded subway.

Frustrated and dejected, when I was about to abort my quest, there came this gentleman from nowhere. An angel incarnate, I must say. He assured me and I am in turn assuring you - "it is a cake walk". No, this is the first line you should embed in your heart before you go about your assignment. Self confidence, you know? Do remember - when guys can fart loudly and then have the audacity to wave their hands violently and give that 'who did this nonsense' look and get away, it still is an easier task. Mental toughness is the key to success here. For better results you can keep a couple of these farting giants as your source of inspiration.

Always keep this mambo-jumbo in your mind - 'Slow and steady wins the race'. Don't expect or try to go to a deep slumber on the very first attempt that dreams come visiting you. You will eventually reach that epitome, but as they say all good things are achieved by perseverance and patience. Friends who do have snoring problem (barely manageable to stop their wives from calling up the divorce lawyer) should immediately get hooked up with your physician. Either work on your sound mechanism or drop this idea of office jolly good time. It shouldn't happen that with your snoring you alarm not only your vigilant boss sitting fifty yards to your right but also your CEO at the third floor cabin. Along with you it would also be a catastrophe for all other colleagues of yours (for no apparent fault of theirs) who by that time would be dreaming of being alienated in a barren island with a nymphomaniac super model.

As we are done with the pre-requisite gyan lets start with our real learning. The morning half seems bit unprofessional. But you can always go for it as everything is fair in sleep and sex. Keeping aside those few gentlemen who throw their bags in the desk and start sleeping the next second, lets make it more general and talk about the possibilities and ways available for the taking in the second half. As any professional would suggest - you won't get a better time than the hour that follows the lunch break. A true professional can even sleep right under the sniffing nose of his boss in the meeting room and still be patted on the back for being the most vigilant during the discussion, but for novice and learners the hour in spotlight is nothing less than a diamond mine.

First and foremost, you should go to your boss's desk just after lunch. Don't forget to wear that broke down from workload look and the impression, as if you are carrying the whole world on your able shoulders. Once you are sure that your boss has taken a note of your responsible attitude, do discuss briefly (as you don't want to waste much time of your golden hour on any nonsense) on a recently assigned task. See to it that your boss gets a feeling that you are on a mission to complete the task by the day end. This act of yours has two benefits:

1. Your boss might not visit your desk for couple of hours at least as you have already made your priorities clear to him. I am sorry if your boss posses some uncanny Byomakesh Bakshi attitude, which is rare as bosses are by defination dumb.
2. If by mistake you snore during your master act, you would be the last person your boss would doubt (if he himself is not sleeping by then) to be the originator of this sound pollution.

Baldness is not always a curse, as you thought it to be. Other than saving money on combs, mirrors and other sundry items like hair gels, baldies do have a stifle advantage here. If the top is as clean as a Tabla, then nothing like it. You can take Alok Nath as a burning example of the type of top I am talking about. When you bend your head to sleep, the clean surface looks strikingly similar to a human face from a distance. If you are bespectacled also then let me assure you - even Barack Obama would be envious of your position. Just place your specs at a strategic position in your head (if possible double check in front of a mirror). There you go - you not only would look awake but also busy in work with those spectacles on.

Make sure that you select your screen saver to never appear. Or altogether delete that option (I am not sure if it is possible, but you can always try). If possible, change the operating system. That good for nothing Bill Gates deserves this for introducing such employee un-friendly artifacts. Hope you are not dumb enough and go to sleep showing your desktop only. Open your workspace or some documents related to the discussion you had with your boss few minutes before (remember my first tip?). Oh yes, make sure that your desk phone ringer is slammed to mute position. First, it shouldn't disturb you in your sleep and second it won't make others suspicious as to why you are not picking the call still being at your desk. You can always achieve you goals silently, why bring unnecessary attention?

There is another art of sleeping in upright position or better in the standing position - much like the way horses sleep. Guys who achieve these two master forms are gems to admire. Many say this is a God-given gift, but for me practice makes a man perfect. By the way I am in the middle of learning this trick and I am just about to turn professional in this unique art. So watch out when I come around with my tips and suggestions on this phenomenon.

I hope this piece would help in achieving what they might be trying for some time. As always I appreciate suggestions and new ideas, so that we can make this endeavour more full proof. Lets together achieve what none has done and leave behind a book on this as a memorabilia for the generations to come. "Kal Khel Main Hum Na Rahen, Rahenge Sada Yeh Nisaniyan". Well have to go to sleep now.

Statutory Warning:- Depending on personal differences, these strategies may not be completely beneficial to your health. The author in no way should be held responsible for your rotten fate if there is a mis-use, over-use or even a perfect use of the ideas mentioned here.

 

Fun is the next essential ingredient after Oxygen for this author. This chap is writing humor for quite some time without realizing that no one is reading. An IT coolie by profession he took to writing as he found Mayawati is not doing enough to balance out the daily dose of Humor needed by the human race. He could be found in all suspicious looking cyber spaces - From Orkut to Facebook, From Linkedin to Desibaba. The author can be reached via his Email which he invariably checks every 5 minutes (as he has nothing better to do). So if you are deprived of a big useless mail for sometime then just drop a test mail to this chap. You won't be disappointed. If you want a reply in double quick time then don't forget to add 'HOT PARTY GIRLS' or something like that somewhere in the subject line. Though he titled his blog as 'Being Cynical', regular readers feel, it should have been 'Occasionally Cynical, Mostly Mental'. P.S :- Befriending this human being is at the sole responsibility of the individual. It could bring unimaginable mental agony.
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