Security Is A Comedy In India

June 02, 2010
Being Cynical

The death of 140 odd passengers of a Mumbai bound train early Friday made us revisit the question all over again. How safe are we and how efficient and foolproof our security apparatus are? Answers to both is that we are pathetic on these two fronts and don't show any encouraging signs that we would improve anytime soon.

Everyone seem to have shown some improvement including the notorious terrorists, except our Sarkar. When the nefarious elements wield mayhem with Kalashnikov and high end hand grenades, our security forces (I am not talking about Indian army) who are supposed to take on these cowards heads on are equipped with the British Era 303 rifles, which incidentally many tout are the same set of guns for which Mangal Pandey started the Sipahi Mutiny back in 1857 and even our police force is skeptical as to whether these guns would fire in the first place since the last operational testing of those were done way back during the time of World War-I.

Worse, many a times even these 303 rifles are all together absent and our security forces are left with the blessings of the almighty and of course our own indigenous invented weapon of ass destruction : The Lathi. Don't get me wrong. If used properly these weapons of ass destruction can be as deadly as anything, at least few home ministry sleuths believe so. So what is our poor police Havildar equipped only with this dreaded weapon of ass destruction supposed to do when he sees a terrorist roaming around with an automatic assault weapon?

(a) Throw the lathi right there and run for his life.
(b) Faint with some awkward sadma as shown in Hindi movies.
(c) Wet his pants and stand in a corner like a statue and do nothing since there isn't much that he can do.
(d) Run towards the terrorist and whack his posterior as hard as possible with the lathi :- The weapon of ass destruction

All the above options look bizarre but are true. Leaving aside few government offices and our airports all other places do give you a sorry picture of security. Shopping malls seems to be bit better as they put up a show of security checks, but ground reality is that they are no better either. The deserted look (in terms of security) of all our major railway stations speaks volume about our nonchalant attitude towards security. The metal detector which is supposed to detect unwanted items getting in, most of the times doesn't work. If at all it works no one seems bothers to go through them. The Paan chewing Havildar sitting at the corner with that weapon of ass destruction in his hand, who is supposed to make sure that all pass through the detector, doesn't do anything about it. As it is he is pretty confident he won't be able to do much in the event of a real terrorist attack, so why bother?

When we are surrounded by two phase attack both from outside (LET, JeM etc) and inside (Maoists), the first thing we should do is send those 303 rifles to the place they belong - yes the museums and we should also get rid of our fondness for the deadly weapon called Lathi. Does anyone remember (we Indians suffer from short term memory loss) the immature video capture of Kasab at Girigam Choupati or for that matter the CCTV footage of the railway constable firing from that 303 rifle at the two terrorists? Both these clips make us look like laughing stock. Our police forces at one place kicking and punching a terrorists with lathi in their hands and at the other place the 303 holder doesn't know how to fire a rifle, as he hasn't done even once before and worse when one of them did manage to pull the trigger, the rifle never went off during the first few attempts and we clowns still believe we can fight these maniacs with these set of weapons and skill set.

Who should be the one to streamline our security apparatus? Where is the strategy? Post 26/11, when all thought the change was in the air for the better, surprisingly the same set of seasoned crooks were back at the government and funny, it is we who brought them to power again. By electing the same buffoons it seems the foolish voters actually liked the idea of our non-availability of any strategy to counteract the terrorism and probably consider it a waste of time to come up with effective strategy on matters of national security. It seems the only strategy that is intact and at full swing is the strategy to keep the vote bank intact. If few lives are lost in the process, what's the big deal? That's the reason why our Home minister doesn't think twice before announcing to the world that the captured joker in connection with Pune blast is just another suspect. That's the reason why Mamtadi threw the tantrum when she said the DG of Bengal is a useless fellow for associating Maoists with the recent train tragedy. Surrounded by black cat commandos these so called leaders don't realize the value of security as it is the tax payers who are taking care of that by the generous contribution of their hard earned money on the security aspect of these grossly incompetent, lazy, good for nothing individuals.

First step could be to take away these commandos from their security system and drag them out in the open to face the summer heat all alone. Then I feel entities like Mamtadi would refrain themselves from uttering nonsense like - law and order is a state matter. If that is so, could anyone please ask this lady - what she is doing out there? Can't the railways be better without one such useless individual? Little point in discussing (read negotiating) with a rogue nation. It is about time these composite dialogue stuff should be thrown out of the window and if possible make few politicians follow the trajectory right after. India then would be a cleaner and safer place to live after. Amen!

Fun is the next essential ingredient after Oxygen for this author. This chap is writing humor for quite some time without realizing that no one is reading. An IT coolie by profession he took to writing as he found Mayawati is not doing enough to balance out the daily dose of Humor needed by the human race. He could be found in all suspicious looking cyber spaces - From Orkut to Facebook, From Linkedin to Desibaba. The author can be reached via his Email which he invariably checks every 5 minutes (as he has nothing better to do). So if you are deprived of a big useless mail for sometime then just drop a test mail to this chap. You won't be disappointed. If you want a reply in double quick time then don't forget to add 'HOT PARTY GIRLS' or something like that somewhere in the subject line. Though he titled his blog as 'Being Cynical', regular readers feel, it should have been 'Occasionally Cynical, Mostly Mental'. P.S :- Befriending this human being is at the sole responsibility of the individual. It could bring unimaginable mental agony.
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