Relationship Lawlessness & Social Criminals

March 06, 2009

I recently saw a movie about relationships and love. In one scene, a man and a woman meet in a department store and strike up a conversation over the cash register which continues till they walk out. Standing on the sidewalk, they talk, like any two strangers who've just met, of things that interest the other and ooh and aah over what they have in common. Then, just on the verge of that crucial 'ask for her number' moment, the guy shrugs and says,

I can't do this. I'm married.
It struck me right between my eyes just then. They were following a socially accepted ritual. Then they reached a point where an expression of interest had to be made or not. And it could not be made since he was clearly unavailable. The social mores dictated that he not go any further unless he was intending to take it forward seriously.


Last year I went to Europe on holiday. After enduring much ribbing about Turkish delights and Greek gods, I returned to report that no man had flirted with me. My mother, on the other hand, told me of one of our co-passengers who had struck up a conversation and told her she was beautiful, adding with a snide look at my dad that he couldn't say the same about her husband.

She was highly surprised (even though I spend all my time telling her that she looks at least a decade younger than she is - and she does!) till I added that in some western communities, it was considered polite, practically a social requirement to mock-flirt with a lady and compliment her on her fine form. This especially for a married woman, since it was quite clear that it was in light vein and was not intended to be taken seriously. Quite unlike India where it would be considered highly inappropriate to flirt or compliment a married woman.

On the other hand, my father pointed out, that it would be equally inappropriate for the same men to have flirted with me since I was clearly available. Flirting would have been an indication of serious intent, a formal expression of interest.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~We are still in a nascent society as far as dating goes. Our parents generation invented love marriages in this society; we are the generation that brings in friendship between the sexes as well as socially sanctioned romantic/sexual relationships before marriage. We haven't quite learned where to draw the line between friendship-comfort and attraction-commitment. We are still experimenting with how far we go with being funny/cool/charming and where it trespasses into flirtation.

Think about some of the relationship scenarios that are very real to us today. The 'best friend' of the opposite sex that makes the girlfriend/boyfriend so uncomfortable. The good friends (sister-brother...this is really the most convoluted one of all) who vehemently decree that other people have dirty minds. The older colleague/father of a friend/friend of father/husband of a friend who are really friendly, but perhaps a little too much sometimes?

Don't we all know a guy who promises the moon and earth to every second girl, believing correctly, that she'll keep it to herself because in the larger sense, it still isn't done for a girl to admit that she's been with a guy? There is nothing to check him from repeating the same over and over again, no one to brand him for the cad he is. Even after the crime is complete and guy is far away, possibly chasing a whole new set of girls or actually married, how many of the women he has wronged are actually going to speak up? And if you say you don't know such a guy, give me a call. I have a private 'Hall of Shame' of these social criminals.

How about the committed ones who pass off their behaviour as harmless friendliness? There's a general 'kehne mein kya harz hai?' syndrome working here. The problem is that people do fall in love, hearts get broken, trust is rended and lives are shattered. You can deny those are very real crimes, nasty things that people do to people.

As modern women, we are expected to be 'okay' with a certain degree of liberal expression. The question how far does that stretch? It's okay to know a lot of guys, it's fine to go out with them, even flirt with them, get into relationships with them. But all of that provided it ends in the institution of marriage or at least a 'stable, steady relationship'. But from meeting a guy to ending up in that last socially sanctioned comfortable relationship, it's a long way. Most men fall short far before that. Or I suspect a lot of them aren't even intending to go that far but try and drag out as much as they can get before they need to rat-tail it 'before it gets too serious'.

We stuff our best-looking side into our public persona and bury our insecurities. We put up with a guy who is 'commitment-phobic' for months and months because we don't want to be nags. We're okay with the 'just good friends' tag. We even tolerate cheating and tell ourselves patience is a virtue. What happens when he dumps you to go chase another girl and propose marriage to her in a week? You can be sure a crime of sorts has been committed but who's going to haul in the offender?

And if you're thinking this is equally true of women as well, I agree. With one small exception. Men who have been wronged in this manner can speak up about it and they do. Where else do we get such nasty phrases like slag and tease from? On the other hand, a woman who has been wronged cannot speak up. Liberated-ness be damned, one of those aforementioned crimes was perpetrated on me. I didn't dare speak up since I knew even our common friends would just think I was stupid for having believed such a guy in the first place. Well, you live, you learn.

Last month, I was flirted with by a committed man. I was unsure on when exactly I could draw the line and just relieved to get away without too much embarrassment. As I'm writing this post, I'm being propositioned by a married friend. This relationship is sometimes questioned by my friends who believe (quite correctly) that he is a social criminal. I agree and yet I continue to be friends (only in every sense of the word) with him. But few relationships are this manageable and heavenaloneknows that this one wasn't easy either.

Let me end this by just saying that delightful as this state may be with its glorious rule-lessness, the very lawlessness of it leaves each of us vulnerable to social crimes.

I call myself a chronic thinker. A few centuries ago, I'd have been called a Thinker. Or burnt at stake for being a witch. My degree is my passport to the world of respectability. I moonlight as a troubled poet, a warrior princess and a closet sorceress. I am all of these and yet none of them is all of me. All I was born to be really, was a story-teller. Scheherazade, Galelio, Cleopatra and Salvador have passed through. This time round, just call me IdeaSmith.
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Ravi Kulkarni
March 6, 2009
10:08 PM

Dear IS,

I am sure you have heard of the term "men are from mars and women from venus". That one expression says it all. Men have their own complaints about women. And most often men don't talk about their affairs with other men.



Aditi N
March 7, 2009
04:25 AM

Ravi, your last sentence has more than one meaning :)

IS: Nice ramble :) I went through parts which I hated and those that I loved about this post of yours. I did like how it started and even more how it ended though.

BTW I hate how Indian guys (friends, acquaintances, relatives etc) are just too embarrassed or almost afraid to compliment a woman's looks or appearance just because they are worried she'll take it the wrong way and I dunno think they are making a pass at her or something. Its so weird.

As far as relationships go, I don't have to tell you that there are both male and female cads. The male cads are made obvious by the fact that women tend to wallow a bit more than men when it comes to relationship woes. Men on the other hand I think make quite an effort to hide their heartbreak fearing loss of pride and hence come away from the experience seeming a lot less like the "victim".

P.S Sorry about the unsolicited advice but stay AWAY from your married "friend". Not because he is a "social criminal" for doing what he is doing to his wife but because betrayal knows no boundaries and you do not want to set yourself up for betrayal in a friendship. It is bad enough having to put up with betrayal in romantic relationships. In friendship, you have no reason to stick around waiting for that betrayal to come along, knowing all this while that it was coming. That would be foolish.

Deepti Lamba
March 7, 2009
05:25 AM

I too am jumping the advice bandwagon. IS, you should stay a mile away from that fellow. If he valued your friendship he wouldn't be hitting on you.

Fellow isn't worth your while.

March 7, 2009
11:48 AM

dee and adi:

to me it seems like a conscious decision....despite the mix up in tenses:

I agree and yet I continue to be friends (only in every sense of the word) with him. But few relationships are this manageable and heavenaloneknows that this one wasn't easy either.

March 7, 2009
12:39 PM

There is no big market for dating or 'love' in India. And adultary? That can invite all kinds of troubles.

Most young women prefer arranged marriage: Survey
Press Trust of India
Friday, March 06, 2009, (Chennai)

"Majority of young women in the country prefer arranged marriages with parents' consent while only less than one fourth opts for the "love" route to choose their life partners, a survey said."

"The survey of women in the age group of 20-30 carried out in various cities, including the four metros, also revealed that 59 per cent of the respondents consider parent's decision the most important priority in finalising marriage."

"About 49 per cent preferred arranged marriage while 33 per cent 'arranged love marriage' and a meagre 18 per cent of the respondents favoured 'love' marriage."

Read full article

Aditi N
March 7, 2009
12:41 PM

temporal: I've made many conscious decisions only to regret them, learn my lessons the hardest way possible and then even wish that someone, a friend, a parent or just anybody would've really, really knocked some sense into me. I just didn't want IS to feel that way many years later and so I'm doing my bit. :)

March 7, 2009
01:38 PM

Married man is longer commited to the ideal wife, legal wife. I mean from Dharma says so.

So IS, you go ahead and have an affair. Damn the fucking society. who gives a shit as long as you are in a relationship. It is nothing to do with legal aspect of it. I know so many men and women who have so little left in their marriage. Live and let live.

- Social criminal

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